I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
you traded sex for a burrito?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I just forgot I was standing up.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
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