I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
