He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
i think im in europe. pls send help
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
