The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Randomize
