I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just gift wrapped bread.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
