I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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