why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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