I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
