Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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