Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Randomize