Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
