Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
