Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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