My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
