We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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