kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
BRING THE BAGELS
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
