Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
