i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
