Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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