My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
