I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
