i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize