Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She announced her abortion via fbk
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
