When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
