my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Randomize
