did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
