She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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