so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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