I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
