I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize