I will die if light touches me.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
