I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize