She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
