hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
