I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
