I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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