I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Edward fifth and chaser hands
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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