Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
