Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
