I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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