every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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