I like to think it a success when the cops are called
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
