I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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