I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
