I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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