i was rollin on her like bob the builder
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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