Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
After last night, I could never be a politician.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
We had to coat check the pizza.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
