you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
God, I missed his penis.
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