Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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