Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
