Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Randomize
