so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
