You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
