is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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