I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
