Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
