I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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