I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
