He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
