peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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