I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
how do you play pong handcuffed?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Randomize
